New Cat tames its owner
With my heart softened by an article about all the cats languishing at the Humane Society, I picked one out a couple of weeks ago.
The cat came with the name Nemo, but to me it is just “cat.” Cats don’t know their name anyway.
The real problem is whether to refer to the animal as a he, she, or they. Felines seem female to me, but this one is a confirmed male.
I don’t want to be one of those people who treats their pet like a member of the family. “He” sounds to personal. I now refer to my cat as an “it.” Seems cold, but I feel I need to maintain some boundaries in this relationship.
I got a cat rather than a dog because cats allegedly need little care. If I want to leave for a couple of weeks, I thought, I’ll just rip open a ten-pound bag of Meow Mix, leave the lid up on the toilet, and all will be well.
Not with this cat. It is the neediest, most demanding being I have ever encountered. It is only happy if I function as its couch. It particularly hates my laptop which is a competitor for my attention.
To find out what goes on in this animal’s head, I ordered a book about cats.
I found out a lot of disturbing information. For instance, the cat only likes me because it thinks I am its mother. According to cat psychologists, a house cat is stuck in kittenhood for the duration of its life — and I am stuck as its mama. For eighteen years.
When the cat pushes its paws against my chest all cute-like when I pet it, I assumed it was because it thought I was the greatest thing on earth. But according to the book, the paw-pressing is an attempt to get me to lactate.
Equally troubling was the news that the cat sweats through its paws and uses its paws to spread cat scent all over its owner.
In addition, cats have oil-emitting scent glands, oil they smear against your legs as a matter of marking out territory. Leg rubbing, flattering as it may seem, is not a sign of affection.
The notion that cats don’t need a lot of attention is just a rumor. No, the book said I have to play with my cat daily by dragging cat toys around in front of it or it will suffer psychological damage.
A cat’s overwhelming urge is to hunt. Playing with a moving toy is a substitute. If you don’t drag the toys on a string, the cat will lose its sense of purpose.
Cats want you to be there for them every day. If I leave for the weekend, it just makes the cat mad. Social services won’t get involved, but that is only because the cat lacks a phone to call them.
A cat gets its revenge on a poorly behaved owner by dropping hair everywhere. The best way to clean up the hair on the couch is by rubbing duct tape over the problem areas.
It is easy to think the cat is human. Right now it sits on my lap looking longingly into my eyes, waiting for me to quit paying so much attention to my laptop.
But according to the book, the cat is just wanting to sniff my breath, spread its scent on my chin, or relish the scent of sour milk in my goatee. It has nothing to do with love.
Cold, cruel facts. Yet, when the fat fur ball curls upon on the foot of the bed and keeps my feet warm at night, I let myself think it loves me for who I am.