Reignite your inner fire!

Friends Tom and LuAnne have been pushing me to attend a weekend retreat entitled “Reigniting the Inner Fire,’ which was simply awesome, at least according to LuAnne.

At times, such as when I plop on the couch for a few hours to avoid neglected but necessary tasks, I wonder if some seminar like that might be just what I need.

According to LuAnne, you can get the basic two-day seminar for $749, but she highly suggests adding the “Afterburner Plus” option for $1249 which includes four sessions with a life coach who will hold you to the personalized mission statement you painstakingly carved out at the seminar.

LuAnne should know. She’s an expert on the menu of seminars, products and hobbies which she always alleges will change your life.

A few years ago, LuAnne dragged Tom to some marriage retreat where they rubbed each other’s feet to soft music. It went well. Tom liked foot massages, which made up for the humiliation of having to say, “LuAnne, you are as beautiful as the day we met,” in front of seventeen other couples.

The buzz from the retreat lasted a month before LuAnne was on the prowl for another panacea.

This time it was Simplex W, an organic liquid made from cactus sap which improves liver function, softens laundry, and can reduce engine wear by 43%.

LuAnne became a dealer. She was also her own best customer.

I finally bought a gallon of the stuff to get her off my case. It sits unused beneath the kitchen sink, one of the best investments of $34.99 I have ever made.

The Simplex W phase lasted three months. Then LuAnne discovered yoga.

Tom’s a little beefy for most of the poses, but he did support LuAnne by going out to the garage for a beer during yoga hour.

Once, Tom returned into the house mid-yoga to get his phone. He was so disturbed by the visuals of LuAnne twisted up on the floor in pink spandex that he forgot about the phone and rushed back to the garage for another beer.

The yoga thing lasted about three weeks.

So now we have LuAnne’s latest: “Reigniting the Inner Fire,” which LuAnne promised would “change my life.”

I run from anything that promises to change my life for a mere $1249. When others find their lives set ablaze by a seminar or wonder product, I sit their like a lump. It never works on me.

I attended a retreat in college on the invitation of a friend who said the experience would nurture my spirit. I had no idea the group was some sort of cult.

What a failure I was. When it was my turn to break into tears and collapse on the floor and confess to my sins, my tear ducts came up dry.

Later, I ended up at a training retreat for a new job. Instead of teaching us to do something useful, they had us stand on a table and fall into the arms of our fellow workers.

The idea was to build trust.

Once again, it didn’t work for me. I lasted five weeks at the job.

I am a heretic at these seminars, and skeptical of pyramid-scheme all-purpose cleaning supplies.

The highlight of my life, sad to say, was when the Twins won the World Series in 1987. Although I was in college at the time, I broke down in tears. That last out — with Jeff Reardon leaping off the mound with joy — was the fulfillment of a dozen years of unrequited fandom.

So, I disappointed LuAnne when I decided not to get my inner fire reignited.

“You’re locked in your comfort zone!” she said, with disgust.

Yes, I was. And considering the alternatives, that is where I will stay.